Josef Burns: Final Chapter
CHAPTER SIX
EPILOGUE
Can this be redemption for Bonnie and myself? Can this be some sort of goodbye from Kurt? I’m not sure. Maybe the reader is the only one who can answer these questions. And I know that some of you will not be entirely satisfied by what I have laid out. Heck, I don’t think I am completely satisfied, but this is my truth. This is my reveal. And no matter the criticism or praise, I want to live the rest of my life knowing that I tried to help a dear friend. It has eaten me up inside for decades, and all of us involved went on to live our lives, something Kurt was not allowed to do.
I can't believe it has taken 30 years to get to this point. I don't know if I ever thought this day or moment would ever come, especially not voluntarily. I can say that I feel better at this point than I did when I started the book. You have noticed that I use the word ‘confession’ throughout, and sometimes it is in quotes, and sometimes it is not. I don’t know if it is subliminal, or symbolic, I’m not really sure. I do know that I consider this my confession, because I have never put words to paper regarding this, and I have never said these things to anyone, ever. You will see some similar angles and elements across some of my interviews that exist online, but as previously stated, there are some key things that I have never told anyone. I hope you can empathize with me, as much as possible, knowing how difficult this truly is, and how truly difficult this has been. I would be doing a disservice if I tried to explain and interpret every little movement that occurred over those few particular days. You have to understand, this was a 4-day journey, not for all of us, but for me and Bonnie it was. We arrived together, and we left together. I’m not saying we were holding hands the whole time or occupying the same room together minute-by-minute, but our experiences were bookended and the most crucial moments we did spend together.
It Is important to reiterate that we were all doing drugs, staying up late, and none of us could be coined as strait-laced or conservative. That has to be taken into consideration as I attempt to lay out in detail the dates, days, times, locations, people, situations, conversations and interactions. There are a lot of moving parts, a lot of people present, and we all weren’t occupying the same rooms at the same time. It was a pretty big house, and we sometimes ping-ponged between rooms and people sometimes due to stimulatory factors, sometimes due to convenience. It was a strange time, being that close to rock-stardom and rock-idolatry coupled with freedom and resources and access. Not saying we were all rolling in dough, but we were all rolling in drugs.
I’ve taken the last few weeks going over it all in my head, writing stuff down, doing research, trying to put all of the puzzle pieces together, the best way I know how.
I am going to refer to the days, not the dates. It will be easy for you to line up the dates on your own, and I have some reasons as to why I don’t want to say the literal dates. (Please respect the way I want to do this.) I will start on Friday, exactly one week before Kurt’s body is found.
Bonnie and I went over to the house to see Cali a little after dinner time. We had some good shit, like we always did, and Cali was excited to check it out. This was a fairly common occurrence, even if Kurt was on the road, and not at home. There was a tight knit group, or ‘circle’, that used to hang at Kurt’s new house, even if he and his family were not present. Kurt had a few places, so he wasn’t always at the house by the lake. He had just finished up a tour and was supposed to go back out on the road, but there were a bunch of issues, and he was currently doing a rehab stint out of town. Bonnie, Cali, and I were listening to music, and I was going to do some tattoo work on Cali. We all got high, and it was righteous. I do know that Jennifer Adamson was there, and Rene Navarrete, and Jessica Hopper. I know Jennifer got high and Rene, and I’m pretty sure Jessica didn’t. I don’t know if Cali was sleeping with Jessica and Jennifer, simultaneously, but I know he was sleeping with Jennifer. I didn’t pay much attention to Rene, never really did, wasn’t close to him, so he is sort of faceless to me, and not standing out.
Present on this Friday night are Cali, Bonnie, Jennifer, Rene, Jessica, and myself. No Dylan, no DCR, no Lanegan. We listened to records, we smoke weed, have some beers, talk shit, the usual ‘hang-out’ stuff. I’m not saying I was unaware that Kurt was about to show up around 1am on Saturday morning, but at this current time, I cannot remember if I knew he was coming home or not. Something tells me to stick with the fact that I did not know he was coming home early that Saturday morning. So, Kurt shows up, he gets dropped off by a limousine, and I know it is either midnight, or early morning on Saturday. Nothing seemed strange at this moment, Kurt comes in, sort of tired, just traveled, we all greet him, I don’t remember where exactly Bonnie and I were, but I would guess we were down in the basement, or in Cali’s room. I know Cali had his own room, and I think Rene either had his own room, or he stayed with Cali. Remember, they are supposed ‘nannies’ together.
Kurt got high, I remember that for sure, and in the back of my head I was sort of bummed because I knew he was coming back from rehab. (I wasn’t the best friend a guy could have, either. Fuck.) It’s really hard to kick heroin, man, being dope sick is a total bitch. Anyway, we all got high, and I’ve told the story about eating the Marie Callender Chicken Dinner with Kurt, and that happened probably an hour or so after we all hung out and got high. I want to say we all got high in the basement, and then Kurt and I moseyed up to the kitchen for a bite. As for what the others are doing, I don’t know, I remember Kurt wanting to crash out after the food, and that's all I basically remember of that Friday night, and early Saturday morning.
Now, there are a few key things that supposedly happened on Saturday morning, but I do not remember anything with relation to these key events. Did Jessica and Cali listen to Kurt sing them a song at the foot of the bed on Saturday morning? I didn't see that, and I don't remember that, at all. He supposedly sang some 'skinhead girl' song to Jessica and Cali. It is possible that it happened, I just didn't witness it, nor ever talked about that with anyone. Also, supposedly at around 8am, someone took a taxicab to the local gun shop, or something, and this too, I do not remember seeing this, nor anyone talking about this. I know there is some speculation that Cali was actually dressed like Kurt, or pretending to be Kurt, or something like that I will state that I can't imagine Kurt waking up at 8am to go buy shotgun shells, and it was said that the store wasn't even open until around 10am or 11am. Like I stated in the very beginning, I'm not going to have answers nor be able to explain everything. At the time, did I know more? Maybe, but today, in 2025, some 30 years after the event, I can only tell you what I clearly remember now. (These things bug me just as much as they do you).
What I do remember specifically on Saturday morning and into the afternoon, was that Kurt was sort of hiding out. The phone was ringing, it would usually be Cali or Rene or Jessica answering it, I don't know who was calling, I didn't ask, I just know Kurt was pretty much sticking to himself. I feel like he went out that day somewhere, but from my research it seems that there were no credible sightings of him on that Saturday. Remember, this is a big house, and the greenhouse was separated, and there was a little park nearby, I believe and you could easily walk down to the lake. Kurt had quite a few places he could have hung out, or hid, is my point. I wasn’t holding his hand all day on Saturday, and I don’t even know if I went to bed at all. Bonnie and I were pretty strung out on heroin at this time, as were the others.
As for my direct interaction with Kurt on Saturday, I would tend to lean that it was later in the afternoon when we would have gotten high, or smoked a joint, or whatever. I do remember talking to him about a new contract with Geffen that he wanted to negotiate, and he wanted to do a song with me, whether it was going to be a solo project, or he was going to cameo with one of my bands, I can’t nail it down fully. I just remember talking about doing new shit, and him wanting to branch out, and I think he had written a letter to David Geffen personally at some point, I’m not fully sure. I know there was some beef going with his bandmates and those close to him, and I had talked to Kurt before about him going solo. Whether or not he meant it, I don’t know, maybe he was just talking shit, we always had a good conversational relationship, we could talk about anything, history, governments, races, all sorts of shit. Kurt was a unique bird, and a super fascinating guy. I don’t think we ever had one disagreement or argument in all the years I knew him. I miss him, I really do.
So, Saturday continues on, and I’m sure Bonnie and I were getting high with Cali and Jennifer. I know everyone was still around, but no Dylan, DCR, or Lanegan. Not yet. As for Jessica and Rene, I don’t remember interacting with them much at all. I just don’t.
We fucked around with some songs, jammed, had beers, As night falls on Saturday, the drugs keep flying. Smoked weed, read books, got into debates, the usual shit. Kurt was definitely bothered by something, he wasn't super chipper, but he was still hanging out, smoking weed, getting high, strumming his guitars, everything was pretty copacetic. Until it wasn't. I'm not exactly sure where I was when Dylan, Lanegan, and the 3rd Assailant showed up. (I will just refer to the 3rd Assailant as DCR, whether right or wrong. Just is what it is.) I feel like they parked somewhere else, not in the driveway, and I don't know why I keep thinking that but I know for certain that they all show up together. I can picture their faces, and it looked like they were up to no-good, I'll tell you that. And I can speak from experience, having hit many licks and doing fucked up shit for years. I'm not saying they have the looks of murderers, but something is definitely up. And if I was to give an exact time as to when they showed up, it's got to be around 1am or 2am, which now makes it early Sunday morning. They were not there in the day, nor early evening. I mean, did Dylan stop by the house that day, by himself, it's possible, but I don't remember seeing him in the daytime at all. And now looking back, I feel like they were waiting a day, or some hours, planning out what they were about to do, that's why they didn't show up the night Kurt came home. Something was set in motion on Friday and Saturday. Something was planned out between them, or they had to arrange stuff, something was going on, now that I can piece these things together more.
I think Dylan asked me where Kurt was, and I don't know if that meant he wasn't sure if Kurt was actually home with us, or he was just dead set on finding Kurt that second. Lanegan and DCR were not saying anything, they were being creeps, and I've referred to them as creepers previously in some interviews and discussions over the past two years. Fucking Lanegan.
DCR was just some guy to me, at that point, and it wasn’t totally weird for some ran-do to hang out, especially when you are dealing with copious amounts of drugs and cute women are hanging around. And knowing Dylan and Lanegan for years, and assuming that they were still ‘besties’ with Kurt, no alarms were going off in my head.
The three stooges headed for the basement, and I followed somewhat closely behind. (Three musketeers, three amigos, so many things come to mind here, unfortunately.) When Kurt saw them, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. As I landed, I moved over to Bonnie and Jennifer. I cannot tell you if Cali and Rene and Hopper were in the basement, I don’t remember them being there. I’m not saying they were not there, but the only people that completely stand out to me, and the only ones who are etched into my brain forever are Kurt, Dylan, Lanegan, DCR, Bonnie and Jennifer.
And to preface this, why would you commit a crime of this magnitude in front of two women? I have never understood this, but if I had to guess or label it, I would assume they were on a ‘mission’, and felt it was either now or never, or they were itching to do it, something beyond devilish was driving them, obviously.
This will be hard to describe, and painful in that. It might not come across very coherent, or detailed, but here goes.
It happened very quickly, the assault. Almost like they were wrestling, or grappling, so it didn’t like freak me out right away, but I’m sure it looked pretty strange to Bonnie, and Jennifer. Fucking Lanegan either grabbed something from the band room, or he had something with him, I can’t recall, because I don’t remember seeing him holding anything as he came into the house, but he wound up and tried to hit Kurt in the head. It looked like he missed at first, and Dylan was kind of holding him down, or pushing his elbow into the back of Kurt’s head, it's hard to describe. Kurt was high, he wasn't like bobbing and weaving, it was like he was being wrestled to the ground. These three clowns came into the house like barnstormers or a team of wrestlers fresh off a steroid cycle. It was fucking disturbing, and it was happening quickly, and right in front of us. Why I didn't jump in? I can't say. I don't know why. And this is something I've had to live with for 30 years. I wasn’t a good friend at that moment, obviously. And I have to reiterate how fast this was happening, it's as if we all went into shock, me, Bonnie, and Jennifer. I do remember one of the girls screaming, but only briefly. I think I held Bonnie in my arms and pushed her away from the scene. When I looked back, I could see Lanegan connect something across Kurt's head, and this seriously dazed Kurt. And as if it couldn't get anymore disturbing, they started to shoot Kurt with preloaded needles, because I know they didn't cook anything up. I want to say it was Lanegan mainly, but Dylan could have been helping, or doing it, also. We know today that there was an extremely high level of heroin in Kurt's system, almost overkill, which tells me that at least two needles were used on Kurt. (The autopsy did talk about bleeding and bruising around the injection sites, as if Kurt was moving, or pulling away while being injected.) This next part is kind of blurry. I remember at some point that Cali was talking to me, either pushing me away from them as they entered the kitchen or went upstairs, I can't recall where I was when Cali was trying to get me away from them. I do remember seeing Kurt being dragged or carried out of the house by Dylan and Lanegan. Kurt was not walking on his own, that is for sure.
Some of my memories are jumbled here, because I can’t figure out if Cali told me to start some tattoos on him, or he turned up the music in his room. And I can’t remember where Bonnie and Jennifer are at this moment. It’s as if time shot forward, and I spun around three times fast. I didn’t see Dylan and Lanegan and DCR take Kurt physically into the greenhouse, because I was not outside. I feel like Cali was talking to me, trying to keep me away from them. I don’t remember exactly what he said.
After a few minutes I made my way outside to have a cigarette. I do not recall Bonnie or Jennifer being with me outside in the driveway. I only remember being in the driveway by myself. How I got away from Cali, and the girls. I have no idea. There are gaps here, and I can’t explain how or why. You can imagine the trauma and time gone past that may have something to do with it.
When I look toward the garage, I can see shadows or silhouettes moving around in the greenhouse. I do not remember seeing any silhouette of a gun, nor do I remember seeing anyone carrying a gun. I never saw the shotgun at any time on Friday, Saturday, or early Sunday morning. At this point, I’m practically shaking while smoking the cigarette.
And then suddenly, boom, a blast.
At that moment, at approximately 1:30am on Sunday, I don’t know if I could have gotten any more freaked out. (I would later come to find out that it was Easter. Fuck me.) I remember thinking that this is really bad. This is really fucking bad. And I know what you are going to ask me, why didn’t you run up there? Well, do you think that I would want to run up into that? And get myself killed? I’m not saying I knew what happened, we shot guns many times over the years, but as a somewhat seasoned criminal myself, my instincts weren’t telling me to go up there and see what just happened. I wasn’t going to become an instant witness, who would either end up having to be killed or put in jail for life. It’s fascinating how fast our brains can work sometimes, even while being high, and tired, and scared. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t even an option to go walk into the greenhouse at that time. I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m sorry, to all of you. I just couldn’t do it. Call it self-preservation, selfishness. I don’t know, I have to live with it every day, and I really sort of blocked it out of my head for many years, I guess you could say for three decades. Shit.
I moved right back into the house, and looked for Bonnie, but I don’t remember what our conversation was like. I know she heard the gunshot, but I don’t know where she was exactly when it occurred. (Looking back, I wonder how no neighbors heard this, or if any actually did at all. Another thing to research, I guess).
There’s another missing gap of time here, because the next thing I can recollect is seeing Dylan and Lanegan and DCR inside the house. Lanegan and DCR are not saying anything, they are basically hiding off behind Dylan. I ask Dylan where Kurt is, and he relays to me that I should just get out of here, and that I don’t want any part of this. Looking back, I can remember Dylan almost shaking when he told me this, with a nauseous look upon his face. Maybe he was nervous, I don’t know, I keep thinking he looked as if he was going to throw up; pale, clammy, sweaty, something to that effect. And still not a word from fucking Lanegan. At this point, I have almost no recollection of DCR. I don’t remember seeing him ever again. I know that he stated to many people, and on tape just before he died that he was at the house the morning Kurt's body was found, but I was not there. I know Cali, Rene, and Jennifer were there, along with some others, but Bonnie and I did not dare show up. I guess my point is that DCR vanishes from my memory after I see him, Dylan and Lanegan inside the house after the blast. I know that Dylan and Lanegan go back into the greenhouse, but I do not follow them, and I want nothing to do with them. One would have to assume that the staging of the suicide is taking place, but I will admit that there was more time for them to do other stuff up there because this isn't over, not by a long stretch.
Before I move into Sunday morning, and even into Monday, it is important for me to note that no police, nor P.I.’s will show up to this house until late Monday night or Tuesday afternoon. And this will mess with the common narrative, because it has always been assumed and even debated, that no P.I.'s or police showed up to the house until the very early morning of Thursday. Some of this will be fuzzy, but I will address this very soon. Lastly, with regards to early morning on Sunday, a few hours after the blast and the initial staging had begun, I did venture out toward the greenhouse, alone. I made up some excuse to Cali or Bonnie that I had to take a piss or something, and I meandered over there. I didn't want to, but I felt that I had to. I mean, wouldn't you have? With a quick check to make sure that the three knuckleheads were out of there first, of course, I was then able to sneak around to the backside where the French doors were. I crept up ever so slowly, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't going to go inside, nor touch anything. (Again, not being a good friend.) I don't remember any lights being on, but there must have been enough moonlight or something, because I could make out Kurt's sneakers, and I knew the way he tied his shoes, as strange as that may sound.
There was my dear friend, lying motionless on the floor of the greenhouse, with a shotgun held across his chest, and running up towards his mouth. I don’t remember seeing any blood, nor seeing his head damaged in any significant way. I wasn’t trying to look at his head, I was more focused on his lower body for some reason. Most likely, I didn’t want to look too closely, nor for too long. That’s when it all really sunk in, but I knew I would not be able to tell anyone what I saw, not even Bonnie.
I don’t know if Bonnie and I slept that night, and don’t even remember where we slept in the house if we did at all. And this may sound strange, but we didn’t say a word about what happened, we just couldn’t wrap our minds around it, I feel.
The rest of that Easter Sunday is a complete blur. I know we didn’t leave, and I can’t even fathom today why we didn’t leave, and I know theories have swirled over the past two years about us being ‘threatened’ with death, or that we were ‘kidnapped’, but I don’t have any hard recollection of either. I do know that Dylan did have a strange conversation with me on Monday I believe, talking about higher powers and people with money can make certain people disappear, but at that point, I wasn’t listening to much of anything that was coming out of his mouth. Everything was so fucked up, major F.U.B.A.R, so it was really hard to make anything make sense during those next 24 to 48 hours.
Like I stated, we didn’t leave yet, and I know that Dylan and Lanegan had come back to the house. I believe late Monday. There were theories that someone else had arrived on that Monday, and I can say with relative certainty that someone did arrive that day but steered clear of this person. Bonnie and I finally left on Monday night. And this will be important and downright haunting. Remember when I talked about the 'red dress'? Well, here it comes. As I was maneuvering the car in the driveway, with Bonnie riding in the passenger seat, we noticed some movement in the greenhouse. Obviously, it is dark, and neither one of us can see perfectly through the front windows, but we gesture to one another to stay focused on the greenhouse. As we wait, the hairs on the back of my neck are shooting to attention and I'm sure something similar is happening to Bonnie. The figure walks closer to the windows, and we can make out that someone is wearing a 'red dress’, and they have long hair. To say it was Lanegan, or Dylan, it would be hard to nail down, as both of them had long hair, but if I had to lay those chips down again, I would say it looked more like Lanegan than Dylan. I can't describe what Bonnie was thinking, and we didn't really talk about any of this except for one time in 30 years, but I knew what I was thinking. That fucking psycho is doing some sort of blood-sex-magic ritual, or some fucked up cross- dressing tribute to Kurt. You can take your pick, but I know this happened. (Still creeps me the fuck out.)
To conclude this nightmare, I will mention that either a policeman or P.I. did show up to the house on that Monday afternoon. I didn't talk to them, but I think Cali did. I can't say if it was the P.I. you are thinking of, or if it was a detective of some sort, I don't know. I steered clear of that shit, and I have no idea if this individual saw Kurt's body or not, if he looked for Kurt at all or not. whether he was directed there by someone or not, I don't know. Someone would have to do some research to see if a police report was made for that Monday, or if a P.I. came onto the property.
This is my story. This is my curse.
It Is important to reiterate that we were all doing drugs, staying up late, and none of us could be coined as strait-laced or conservative. That has to be taken into consideration as I attempt to lay out in detail the dates, days, times, locations, people, situations, conversations and interactions. There are a lot of moving parts, a lot of people present, and we all weren’t occupying the same rooms at the same time. It was a pretty big house, and we sometimes ping-ponged between rooms and people sometimes due to stimulatory factors, sometimes due to convenience. It was a strange time, being that close to rock-stardom and rock-idolatry coupled with freedom and resources and access. Not saying we were all rolling in dough, but we were all rolling in drugs.
I’ve taken the last few weeks going over it all in my head, writing stuff down, doing research, trying to put all of the puzzle pieces together, the best way I know how.
I am going to refer to the days, not the dates. It will be easy for you to line up the dates on your own, and I have some reasons as to why I don’t want to say the literal dates. (Please respect the way I want to do this.) I will start on Friday, exactly one week before Kurt’s body is found.
Bonnie and I went over to the house to see Cali a little after dinner time. We had some good shit, like we always did, and Cali was excited to check it out. This was a fairly common occurrence, even if Kurt was on the road, and not at home. There was a tight knit group, or ‘circle’, that used to hang at Kurt’s new house, even if he and his family were not present. Kurt had a few places, so he wasn’t always at the house by the lake. He had just finished up a tour and was supposed to go back out on the road, but there were a bunch of issues, and he was currently doing a rehab stint out of town. Bonnie, Cali, and I were listening to music, and I was going to do some tattoo work on Cali. We all got high, and it was righteous. I do know that Jennifer Adamson was there, and Rene Navarrete, and Jessica Hopper. I know Jennifer got high and Rene, and I’m pretty sure Jessica didn’t. I don’t know if Cali was sleeping with Jessica and Jennifer, simultaneously, but I know he was sleeping with Jennifer. I didn’t pay much attention to Rene, never really did, wasn’t close to him, so he is sort of faceless to me, and not standing out.
Present on this Friday night are Cali, Bonnie, Jennifer, Rene, Jessica, and myself. No Dylan, no DCR, no Lanegan. We listened to records, we smoke weed, have some beers, talk shit, the usual ‘hang-out’ stuff. I’m not saying I was unaware that Kurt was about to show up around 1am on Saturday morning, but at this current time, I cannot remember if I knew he was coming home or not. Something tells me to stick with the fact that I did not know he was coming home early that Saturday morning. So, Kurt shows up, he gets dropped off by a limousine, and I know it is either midnight, or early morning on Saturday. Nothing seemed strange at this moment, Kurt comes in, sort of tired, just traveled, we all greet him, I don’t remember where exactly Bonnie and I were, but I would guess we were down in the basement, or in Cali’s room. I know Cali had his own room, and I think Rene either had his own room, or he stayed with Cali. Remember, they are supposed ‘nannies’ together.
Kurt got high, I remember that for sure, and in the back of my head I was sort of bummed because I knew he was coming back from rehab. (I wasn’t the best friend a guy could have, either. Fuck.) It’s really hard to kick heroin, man, being dope sick is a total bitch. Anyway, we all got high, and I’ve told the story about eating the Marie Callender Chicken Dinner with Kurt, and that happened probably an hour or so after we all hung out and got high. I want to say we all got high in the basement, and then Kurt and I moseyed up to the kitchen for a bite. As for what the others are doing, I don’t know, I remember Kurt wanting to crash out after the food, and that's all I basically remember of that Friday night, and early Saturday morning.
Now, there are a few key things that supposedly happened on Saturday morning, but I do not remember anything with relation to these key events. Did Jessica and Cali listen to Kurt sing them a song at the foot of the bed on Saturday morning? I didn't see that, and I don't remember that, at all. He supposedly sang some 'skinhead girl' song to Jessica and Cali. It is possible that it happened, I just didn't witness it, nor ever talked about that with anyone. Also, supposedly at around 8am, someone took a taxicab to the local gun shop, or something, and this too, I do not remember seeing this, nor anyone talking about this. I know there is some speculation that Cali was actually dressed like Kurt, or pretending to be Kurt, or something like that I will state that I can't imagine Kurt waking up at 8am to go buy shotgun shells, and it was said that the store wasn't even open until around 10am or 11am. Like I stated in the very beginning, I'm not going to have answers nor be able to explain everything. At the time, did I know more? Maybe, but today, in 2025, some 30 years after the event, I can only tell you what I clearly remember now. (These things bug me just as much as they do you).
What I do remember specifically on Saturday morning and into the afternoon, was that Kurt was sort of hiding out. The phone was ringing, it would usually be Cali or Rene or Jessica answering it, I don't know who was calling, I didn't ask, I just know Kurt was pretty much sticking to himself. I feel like he went out that day somewhere, but from my research it seems that there were no credible sightings of him on that Saturday. Remember, this is a big house, and the greenhouse was separated, and there was a little park nearby, I believe and you could easily walk down to the lake. Kurt had quite a few places he could have hung out, or hid, is my point. I wasn’t holding his hand all day on Saturday, and I don’t even know if I went to bed at all. Bonnie and I were pretty strung out on heroin at this time, as were the others.
As for my direct interaction with Kurt on Saturday, I would tend to lean that it was later in the afternoon when we would have gotten high, or smoked a joint, or whatever. I do remember talking to him about a new contract with Geffen that he wanted to negotiate, and he wanted to do a song with me, whether it was going to be a solo project, or he was going to cameo with one of my bands, I can’t nail it down fully. I just remember talking about doing new shit, and him wanting to branch out, and I think he had written a letter to David Geffen personally at some point, I’m not fully sure. I know there was some beef going with his bandmates and those close to him, and I had talked to Kurt before about him going solo. Whether or not he meant it, I don’t know, maybe he was just talking shit, we always had a good conversational relationship, we could talk about anything, history, governments, races, all sorts of shit. Kurt was a unique bird, and a super fascinating guy. I don’t think we ever had one disagreement or argument in all the years I knew him. I miss him, I really do.
So, Saturday continues on, and I’m sure Bonnie and I were getting high with Cali and Jennifer. I know everyone was still around, but no Dylan, DCR, or Lanegan. Not yet. As for Jessica and Rene, I don’t remember interacting with them much at all. I just don’t.
We fucked around with some songs, jammed, had beers, As night falls on Saturday, the drugs keep flying. Smoked weed, read books, got into debates, the usual shit. Kurt was definitely bothered by something, he wasn't super chipper, but he was still hanging out, smoking weed, getting high, strumming his guitars, everything was pretty copacetic. Until it wasn't. I'm not exactly sure where I was when Dylan, Lanegan, and the 3rd Assailant showed up. (I will just refer to the 3rd Assailant as DCR, whether right or wrong. Just is what it is.) I feel like they parked somewhere else, not in the driveway, and I don't know why I keep thinking that but I know for certain that they all show up together. I can picture their faces, and it looked like they were up to no-good, I'll tell you that. And I can speak from experience, having hit many licks and doing fucked up shit for years. I'm not saying they have the looks of murderers, but something is definitely up. And if I was to give an exact time as to when they showed up, it's got to be around 1am or 2am, which now makes it early Sunday morning. They were not there in the day, nor early evening. I mean, did Dylan stop by the house that day, by himself, it's possible, but I don't remember seeing him in the daytime at all. And now looking back, I feel like they were waiting a day, or some hours, planning out what they were about to do, that's why they didn't show up the night Kurt came home. Something was set in motion on Friday and Saturday. Something was planned out between them, or they had to arrange stuff, something was going on, now that I can piece these things together more.
I think Dylan asked me where Kurt was, and I don't know if that meant he wasn't sure if Kurt was actually home with us, or he was just dead set on finding Kurt that second. Lanegan and DCR were not saying anything, they were being creeps, and I've referred to them as creepers previously in some interviews and discussions over the past two years. Fucking Lanegan.
DCR was just some guy to me, at that point, and it wasn’t totally weird for some ran-do to hang out, especially when you are dealing with copious amounts of drugs and cute women are hanging around. And knowing Dylan and Lanegan for years, and assuming that they were still ‘besties’ with Kurt, no alarms were going off in my head.
The three stooges headed for the basement, and I followed somewhat closely behind. (Three musketeers, three amigos, so many things come to mind here, unfortunately.) When Kurt saw them, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. As I landed, I moved over to Bonnie and Jennifer. I cannot tell you if Cali and Rene and Hopper were in the basement, I don’t remember them being there. I’m not saying they were not there, but the only people that completely stand out to me, and the only ones who are etched into my brain forever are Kurt, Dylan, Lanegan, DCR, Bonnie and Jennifer.
And to preface this, why would you commit a crime of this magnitude in front of two women? I have never understood this, but if I had to guess or label it, I would assume they were on a ‘mission’, and felt it was either now or never, or they were itching to do it, something beyond devilish was driving them, obviously.
This will be hard to describe, and painful in that. It might not come across very coherent, or detailed, but here goes.
It happened very quickly, the assault. Almost like they were wrestling, or grappling, so it didn’t like freak me out right away, but I’m sure it looked pretty strange to Bonnie, and Jennifer. Fucking Lanegan either grabbed something from the band room, or he had something with him, I can’t recall, because I don’t remember seeing him holding anything as he came into the house, but he wound up and tried to hit Kurt in the head. It looked like he missed at first, and Dylan was kind of holding him down, or pushing his elbow into the back of Kurt’s head, it's hard to describe. Kurt was high, he wasn't like bobbing and weaving, it was like he was being wrestled to the ground. These three clowns came into the house like barnstormers or a team of wrestlers fresh off a steroid cycle. It was fucking disturbing, and it was happening quickly, and right in front of us. Why I didn't jump in? I can't say. I don't know why. And this is something I've had to live with for 30 years. I wasn’t a good friend at that moment, obviously. And I have to reiterate how fast this was happening, it's as if we all went into shock, me, Bonnie, and Jennifer. I do remember one of the girls screaming, but only briefly. I think I held Bonnie in my arms and pushed her away from the scene. When I looked back, I could see Lanegan connect something across Kurt's head, and this seriously dazed Kurt. And as if it couldn't get anymore disturbing, they started to shoot Kurt with preloaded needles, because I know they didn't cook anything up. I want to say it was Lanegan mainly, but Dylan could have been helping, or doing it, also. We know today that there was an extremely high level of heroin in Kurt's system, almost overkill, which tells me that at least two needles were used on Kurt. (The autopsy did talk about bleeding and bruising around the injection sites, as if Kurt was moving, or pulling away while being injected.) This next part is kind of blurry. I remember at some point that Cali was talking to me, either pushing me away from them as they entered the kitchen or went upstairs, I can't recall where I was when Cali was trying to get me away from them. I do remember seeing Kurt being dragged or carried out of the house by Dylan and Lanegan. Kurt was not walking on his own, that is for sure.
Some of my memories are jumbled here, because I can’t figure out if Cali told me to start some tattoos on him, or he turned up the music in his room. And I can’t remember where Bonnie and Jennifer are at this moment. It’s as if time shot forward, and I spun around three times fast. I didn’t see Dylan and Lanegan and DCR take Kurt physically into the greenhouse, because I was not outside. I feel like Cali was talking to me, trying to keep me away from them. I don’t remember exactly what he said.
After a few minutes I made my way outside to have a cigarette. I do not recall Bonnie or Jennifer being with me outside in the driveway. I only remember being in the driveway by myself. How I got away from Cali, and the girls. I have no idea. There are gaps here, and I can’t explain how or why. You can imagine the trauma and time gone past that may have something to do with it.
When I look toward the garage, I can see shadows or silhouettes moving around in the greenhouse. I do not remember seeing any silhouette of a gun, nor do I remember seeing anyone carrying a gun. I never saw the shotgun at any time on Friday, Saturday, or early Sunday morning. At this point, I’m practically shaking while smoking the cigarette.
And then suddenly, boom, a blast.
At that moment, at approximately 1:30am on Sunday, I don’t know if I could have gotten any more freaked out. (I would later come to find out that it was Easter. Fuck me.) I remember thinking that this is really bad. This is really fucking bad. And I know what you are going to ask me, why didn’t you run up there? Well, do you think that I would want to run up into that? And get myself killed? I’m not saying I knew what happened, we shot guns many times over the years, but as a somewhat seasoned criminal myself, my instincts weren’t telling me to go up there and see what just happened. I wasn’t going to become an instant witness, who would either end up having to be killed or put in jail for life. It’s fascinating how fast our brains can work sometimes, even while being high, and tired, and scared. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t even an option to go walk into the greenhouse at that time. I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m sorry, to all of you. I just couldn’t do it. Call it self-preservation, selfishness. I don’t know, I have to live with it every day, and I really sort of blocked it out of my head for many years, I guess you could say for three decades. Shit.
I moved right back into the house, and looked for Bonnie, but I don’t remember what our conversation was like. I know she heard the gunshot, but I don’t know where she was exactly when it occurred. (Looking back, I wonder how no neighbors heard this, or if any actually did at all. Another thing to research, I guess).
There’s another missing gap of time here, because the next thing I can recollect is seeing Dylan and Lanegan and DCR inside the house. Lanegan and DCR are not saying anything, they are basically hiding off behind Dylan. I ask Dylan where Kurt is, and he relays to me that I should just get out of here, and that I don’t want any part of this. Looking back, I can remember Dylan almost shaking when he told me this, with a nauseous look upon his face. Maybe he was nervous, I don’t know, I keep thinking he looked as if he was going to throw up; pale, clammy, sweaty, something to that effect. And still not a word from fucking Lanegan. At this point, I have almost no recollection of DCR. I don’t remember seeing him ever again. I know that he stated to many people, and on tape just before he died that he was at the house the morning Kurt's body was found, but I was not there. I know Cali, Rene, and Jennifer were there, along with some others, but Bonnie and I did not dare show up. I guess my point is that DCR vanishes from my memory after I see him, Dylan and Lanegan inside the house after the blast. I know that Dylan and Lanegan go back into the greenhouse, but I do not follow them, and I want nothing to do with them. One would have to assume that the staging of the suicide is taking place, but I will admit that there was more time for them to do other stuff up there because this isn't over, not by a long stretch.
Before I move into Sunday morning, and even into Monday, it is important for me to note that no police, nor P.I.’s will show up to this house until late Monday night or Tuesday afternoon. And this will mess with the common narrative, because it has always been assumed and even debated, that no P.I.'s or police showed up to the house until the very early morning of Thursday. Some of this will be fuzzy, but I will address this very soon. Lastly, with regards to early morning on Sunday, a few hours after the blast and the initial staging had begun, I did venture out toward the greenhouse, alone. I made up some excuse to Cali or Bonnie that I had to take a piss or something, and I meandered over there. I didn't want to, but I felt that I had to. I mean, wouldn't you have? With a quick check to make sure that the three knuckleheads were out of there first, of course, I was then able to sneak around to the backside where the French doors were. I crept up ever so slowly, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't going to go inside, nor touch anything. (Again, not being a good friend.) I don't remember any lights being on, but there must have been enough moonlight or something, because I could make out Kurt's sneakers, and I knew the way he tied his shoes, as strange as that may sound.
There was my dear friend, lying motionless on the floor of the greenhouse, with a shotgun held across his chest, and running up towards his mouth. I don’t remember seeing any blood, nor seeing his head damaged in any significant way. I wasn’t trying to look at his head, I was more focused on his lower body for some reason. Most likely, I didn’t want to look too closely, nor for too long. That’s when it all really sunk in, but I knew I would not be able to tell anyone what I saw, not even Bonnie.
I don’t know if Bonnie and I slept that night, and don’t even remember where we slept in the house if we did at all. And this may sound strange, but we didn’t say a word about what happened, we just couldn’t wrap our minds around it, I feel.
The rest of that Easter Sunday is a complete blur. I know we didn’t leave, and I can’t even fathom today why we didn’t leave, and I know theories have swirled over the past two years about us being ‘threatened’ with death, or that we were ‘kidnapped’, but I don’t have any hard recollection of either. I do know that Dylan did have a strange conversation with me on Monday I believe, talking about higher powers and people with money can make certain people disappear, but at that point, I wasn’t listening to much of anything that was coming out of his mouth. Everything was so fucked up, major F.U.B.A.R, so it was really hard to make anything make sense during those next 24 to 48 hours.
Like I stated, we didn’t leave yet, and I know that Dylan and Lanegan had come back to the house. I believe late Monday. There were theories that someone else had arrived on that Monday, and I can say with relative certainty that someone did arrive that day but steered clear of this person. Bonnie and I finally left on Monday night. And this will be important and downright haunting. Remember when I talked about the 'red dress'? Well, here it comes. As I was maneuvering the car in the driveway, with Bonnie riding in the passenger seat, we noticed some movement in the greenhouse. Obviously, it is dark, and neither one of us can see perfectly through the front windows, but we gesture to one another to stay focused on the greenhouse. As we wait, the hairs on the back of my neck are shooting to attention and I'm sure something similar is happening to Bonnie. The figure walks closer to the windows, and we can make out that someone is wearing a 'red dress’, and they have long hair. To say it was Lanegan, or Dylan, it would be hard to nail down, as both of them had long hair, but if I had to lay those chips down again, I would say it looked more like Lanegan than Dylan. I can't describe what Bonnie was thinking, and we didn't really talk about any of this except for one time in 30 years, but I knew what I was thinking. That fucking psycho is doing some sort of blood-sex-magic ritual, or some fucked up cross- dressing tribute to Kurt. You can take your pick, but I know this happened. (Still creeps me the fuck out.)
To conclude this nightmare, I will mention that either a policeman or P.I. did show up to the house on that Monday afternoon. I didn't talk to them, but I think Cali did. I can't say if it was the P.I. you are thinking of, or if it was a detective of some sort, I don't know. I steered clear of that shit, and I have no idea if this individual saw Kurt's body or not, if he looked for Kurt at all or not. whether he was directed there by someone or not, I don't know. Someone would have to do some research to see if a police report was made for that Monday, or if a P.I. came onto the property.
This is my story. This is my curse.
EPILOGUE
Can this be redemption for Bonnie and myself? Can this be some sort of goodbye from Kurt? I’m not sure. Maybe the reader is the only one who can answer these questions. And I know that some of you will not be entirely satisfied by what I have laid out. Heck, I don’t think I am completely satisfied, but this is my truth. This is my reveal. And no matter the criticism or praise, I want to live the rest of my life knowing that I tried to help a dear friend. It has eaten me up inside for decades, and all of us involved went on to live our lives, something Kurt was not allowed to do.
Kurt was a son, a brother, a father, a husband, an artist, and maybe one of the greatest artists of our generation. When something like this happens, or someone like Kurt is taken from us, a ripple effect occurs. In this case, other youths and young adults took their own lives as a result of Kurt’s death. And most celebrities know that their actions affect the masses, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, in good and bad.
Obviously, Kurt wasn’t the most sympathetic character in the eyes of the Seattle PD, or even the mainstream media.
Could this have been an underlying reason for this mistreatment and lack thereof an investigation? Possibly. Probably.
Comments
Post a Comment